One Year Later…

I typically don’t talk about my personal life here, except for the occassional passing comment, and I absolutely don’t make entire posts about it but I have to make an exception. This morning I had an especially hard time dealing with the sunrise. At 4am I woke up from a dream about my best friend, Jay. It was a montage of sorts, of all of the things we’ve done and said and laughed about. What woke me up though was the last part, the montage of my histerical self speeding to New Jersey in a cab, a silent car ride to his parent’s house, crying outside in the rain calling his friends, hugging his fellow rugby players at his wake, and laying a flower on his casket at his funeral.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do want people to know about Jay. When I woke up from that dream I realized that before this day, my feelings about his passing were that I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t be here to do x, y, and z. Today, that changes. He has been robbed of a year of his very young life and each year will be robbed of another and another. He had plans, and those plans will never happen in this life. I’m sure wherever he is he has a pet corgi, abs, amazing rugby skills, and an endless supply of beer… but that doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve to have that here with his family and friends.

The thought of me living any number of years without him kills me. No friendship will ever take its place, not only because I would never let it, but because it’s impossible. No one will talk to me every single day just because, no one will have just the right thing to say, no one will sleep on the floor of my dorm room because I’m not feeling well, and no one will be completely 100% honest with me no matter what. I will have the memories though, and that’s more then I could have ever hoped for. The people who know him will all tell you we were lucky to have him here, if only for a short time. Five years wasn’t close to long enough, but be had a profound effect on my life in that time. I love and miss you terribly, Jay.

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Nicole

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